Don’t know what to buy friends and family this year? Give your loved ones the gift of security and peace of mind this holiday season: gifts that the state of Texas and our Republican officials have failed to give us year after year after year. They’re more of a coal-focused crowd.
Unless you’ve been living in a cave all year (this might have actually been a good year to live that cave life), you’ve heard the countless reports that confirm the Texas power grid is still not fixed.
Here’s a list of holiday gift ideas to help prepare your loved ones for the next Texas blackout:
1. Portable solar chargers
Great news: Even though Republicans don’t believe in renewable energy, unlike Santa and Ted Cruz’s dignity, it’s actually real! Spoiler alert: this gift idea list is not suitable for children or adults with hope.
2. Canned goods
Grocery stores can easily run out of essentials during a blackout. Your friends will be so happy you gifted them a can of delicious fine tuna (don’t buy the “light” version, this isn’t the gift to skimp on even further than you already have) in the middle of a snow storm. Added bonus: Include a card with the can that reads “Don’t forget to open up a can of whoop-ass on Abbott at the polls in 2022!”
3. Giant jugs of water
Ever get anxious about picking out the right wine to bring over to a friend’s holiday party? Fret no further! Water is the MUST HAVE this holiday season to prepare for boil water notices, water outages, and broken pipes.
4. Beer
We’re not going to completely eliminate alcohol as a gift. It’s actually the gift that keeps on giving! What else keeps you hydrated, warm, and blurs the worries away? Plus it keeps you full. What shortage of food?! The amount of carbs in beer is like having bubbly bread in a bottle!
5. 48-pack of toilet paper
As families find themselves in a rush to eat all of the food in their home before it spoils, something expired is bound to get eaten. Make sure trips to the bathroom don’t become even more unfortunate by giving your friends the gift of a well stocked bathroom closet. They’ll thank you from the bottom of their bums.
6. Board games
When there’s any down-time from trying to stay alive, keep the holiday cheer alive with a game of Scrabble or Clue. Refocus from the anxiety of watching the world outside collapse by destroying friendships or family relationships inside with Monopoly.
7. Seeds
Your friends can enjoy themselves planting seeds to grow their own food at home (instead of fighting long grocery lines) as they also plant the seeds of indignation and rage at a dysfunctional state that produces more ex-governor Dancing With the Stars contestants (Rick Perry) than functioning electric grids.
8. Tae Bo workout videos
A lot of folks are looking to get back in shape for the new year. Now there are many reasons for getting one’s body moving and here at Progress Texas, we are proudly body positive. Which is why we feel the best reason to give the gift of fitness through martial arts, is to prepare to fight off squirrels and other wild animals who will try and steal food from a garden intended for your family during a black-out.
9. Charcoal/wood burning grill
No offense to Hank Hill and his propane accessories, but when the propane runs out, the only other way to keep warm (besides fighting off squirrels) is to make a fire using what we have in our backyards like broken tree branches. Because unfortunately - all of our deregulated guns won’t keep us warm.
10. Power generator
Our state doesn’t know how to keep the lights on during an emergency but you can give your friends the gift of electricity. With or without a power generator to look after your home and loved ones the way the government never has, the greatest gift of all is to remind friends and family that it’s always been people power and community support that have gotten us through our state’s tragedies.
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